The Saddest Commercial Ever

I don’t know if this commercial is shown outside of the market of the New York Yankees, but then againisn’t the whole country the market of the NYY?  America’s team lolololol.  But regardless, I have been subjected to it nearly every single time Letterman says, “We’ll be right back with Emma Stone, ladies and gentlemen” or there’s a commercial break on my

I wanted to write a blog post where I could share it with you all today and let you know how it is the saddest commercial ever and it is making me the most depressed theatre enthusiast since John Wilkes Booth.

I started off by wondering how the crap this guy ended up with an entire section of Yankees tickets and no one to give them to but strangers on the street.  Every possible scenario leaves something unaccounted for.  “We were gonna get married during the 7th inning stretch, but she ran off with the sushi counter guy at Whole Foods, so now what am I gonna do?”  What about friends?  “Well when my first wife left me for the British guy from the Disney Channel Original Movie ‘Mom’s Got a Date With a Vampire,’ she took all of our mutual friends.”  Coworkers?  “I quit my job in Kansas City to move out here to be with her.”  Family?  Oh my god… family?  “Didn’t you hear about the tornado that just hit Kansas City?”  I can’t even ahhhhh this is just so sad.

However, I logic-ed it out and realized that, statistic speaking, this guy probably has parents, co-workers, maybe even some casual acquaintances with whom he gathers now and then so they can out-drink him.  No – what makes this man’s story (let’s call him Jared – I think he looks like a Jared) – what makes Jared’s story so infinitely tragic is that all these people he does know, know him well enough to know they don’t want to hang out with him for the duration of a Yankees baseball game + that awkward subway ride home even if the ticket were free.

This is Jared’s essential, gut-wrenching tragedy.  The only way he can make friends is to buy friends; and even his unlimited cash flow (cause seriously buying out that section had to be at least 10,000 smackers) can’t keep the people in his life forever.  Meanwhile poor people – actual poor people! – are making and sustaining meaningful relationships all around him, yet he remains… alone.

Sure, the applause feels good, while it lasts.  But time will only tell how long Jared’s new “friends” will stick around.  Until then, Jared will undoubtedly rack up many a bar tab, paying for drinks for the section cause he shouted “this one’s on me!” just to hear those cheers.  But when the game ends… when they shut off the stadium lights… he’ll have to traverse back to Astoria alone, and damn that transfer is a bitch late at night, especially when the only things sharing your subway car are a homeless man, some cat urine, and the crushing knowledge that the human condition never really changes… that hope is only an illusion.

So use MasterCard lol.


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Things I Love about the 2011 Pittsburgh Pirates

Inspired by Patrick over at Forever Rebuilding, here are my own things I love about the 2011 Pittsburgh Pirates:

7. They’ve done wonders for my acid reflux.

When my doctor diagnosed me with the big GERD, she asked me if there was anything in my life that was causing me stress or anger.  This was August 2009, so the answer was yes.  Yes, there was.  And his name was Matt Capps.  I used to have to drink a bottle of Pepto Bismal to watch a complete Pirates game.  Now that money can go where it rightfully belongs: beer.

6. Ronny Cedeno got a concussion.

This is just hilarious on a lot of levels, and the break from coming up with Ronny Cedeno jokes has been much needed.

5. Awesome Pirate Songs.

“A New Pirate Generation” is always great, but has special meaning this year for obvious reasons.  “Buc Town” is legit awesome, and I actually believe that this song is the reason we are doing so well this year.  It’s magic.  But my personal favorite is the resurgence of “You Gotta Believe.”  This song is amazing.  From the early 90s vocals, to that perfectly timed key change towards the end, plus some particularly resonant lyrics – “In Pittsburgh we believe the Pirates will come through!” – man, I’m obsessed with this one.

4. Chase d’Arnaud.

I like everything about this guy, from his face to his face.  And the upside-down “P” on his jersey.

3. I can ask the bartender straight up to put the Pirates game on.

I live in New York, so Pirates fans are rare to non-existent.  What’s worse, most bartenders here are Yankees fans (vomitttt) so asking one to put on the Pirates game is just begging for a mocking.  It was also suspicious when I was still under 21 and using my fake I.D.; like, why would the girl from North Dakota be a Pirates fan?  Last season, I would avoid any potential embarrassment by asking for whatever team the Pirates were playing: “Hey, uhh, can you put the … Padres game on?  They’re super big in Minot which is where I’m from.”  Now I can be all, “Tom, may I have the first place Pirates on please, and another Tullamore Dew?  I have some Yankees fans to outdrink.”

2. Being better than other teams, without the salary of other teams.

I’m looking at you, Mets!

1. It totally makes that time I got drunk and ran around Manhattan shouting LET’S GO BUCS!!!! seem cool.

No it doesn’t.


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I don’t give a shit the Pirates are in first place: A public service announcement

Oh my god, you guys, this is so freaking lame. Now that the Pirates are in first place, everyone is doing stories and blog posts and vlogs (Still not convinced that’s a thing?) about “thoughts” now that the Pirates are in first place. Think about that. Thoughts. Like, as in, thoughts of Pittsburghers on the Pirates being in first place.

WOW. That must be some hard-hitting type journalism. How do you even write and research a story like that? It must be really difficult to find twenty people with joy and optimism rivaling a Barack Obama campaign, and one old dude who is like “whah whah I’ll believe it when they trade back for Ryan Vogelsong.” May I just say… #PULITZER Continue reading

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I’m Sorry Jose Bautista: The Play


At the bar.

Sarah, to Yankees fan friend: (glancing up at TV) Ha, ha.  The Yankees are losing eight to nothing.  In the second inning.  What happened, did Jose Bautista hit two grand slams in the first?

Yankees Fan: I wish.  Jose Bautista is on my fantasy team.

Sarah: Ugh.  I would never put Jose Bautista on my fantasy team, because I don’t like him as a person.

Yankees Fan: There is so much wrong with that.

Sarah: I know.

Yankees Fan: Why don’t you like him?  He used to play for the Pirates.

Sarah: First of all, the only former Pirate I like is Ryan Vogelsong.  Obviously.  Second of all, it’s not really Bautista that annoys me, just how everyone uses him as an example of how awful the Pirates organization is.  “They got rid of Jose Bautista!!!”


Sarah: Sigh.


Sarah: Oh look, there’s Jose Bautista again, on the television screen.  Every time I glance up at the TV, they are showing Jose Bautista.  What, has Jeter stopped giving the Yankees broadcasters boners?  God, Jose Bautista drives me nuts.  I wish he would just go away.

(Jose Bautista twists his ankle and is taken off the field.)


Yankees Fan: …Don’t say another word about Jeter.

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Fans in Pittsburgh this morning were understandably outraged to learn that beloved first baseman and total superstar Lyle Overbay was omitted from the National League roster for the upcoming All-Star Game.

But just how unjust is Lyle’s noticeable absence?

I could look up the numbers of the players who made it in his stead, but I’m not going to do that.  I don’t even know who did make it.  In fact, I’m not entirely sure I can name another first baseman in Major League Baseball.  Pablo Sandoval?  I don’t think that’s right.

It is an indisputable fact that Lyle Overbay is the most valuable player in the entire history of baseball.  Just look at these numbers:

Lyle Overbay – 39

Derek Jeter – 12

Omar Infante – 11

Everyone else – less than 10

These numbers measure ASIJMU, an Arbitrary Stat I Just Made Up which measures how awesome I think a player is while factoring in the future chance that he will one day agree to star in my baseball-themed porno aimed at ladies but it’s totally not gay if a dude wants to watch it too.

With those kind of numbers (I mean just look at those numbers!!), there’s absolutely no reason that Lyle Overbay should be left off ANY roster EVER (including all junior high school girls’ basketball teams) – LET ALONE a roster for an All-Star Game.

But Lyle Overbay is bad at baseball! you dumbly protest.  Idiot.  This is the All-Star Game.  It has NOTHING TO DO with baseball.



Wait I thought of one!  Mark Teixeira!

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Field Guide to Baseball Game Cell Phone Yakkers

Why the fuck do people talk on their cell phones during baseball games?  I’m guilty of doing this sometimes, but in my defense, I’m always drunk.

Here’s a rough outline of three common-variety Baseball Game Cell Phone Yakkers:

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Blue Moon.

Blue Moon.

A short play by Sarah.

Citi Field, top of the 7th inning.

Sarah, speaking to friend: Want another beer?  They probably stop selling them at the end of the 7th inning.

Friend: Sure, that sounds good.

Sarah: Okay, I’ll go after the stretch.

19-year-old sitting next to Sarah: They stop selling them in the middle of the 7th inning, just like at every ballpark.

Sarah: That’s not true at all.  You completely just made that up, and you still have acne.  But since I have no idea, I’ll believe you.  (Goes to buy beer.)


Sarah: (Returning with beer, to 19 year old) Actually, it’s at the end of the 7th inning, just so you know.

19-year-old’s friend: He’s only 20.

Sarah: Well, something to keep in mind for when you are 21, then.

19-year-old: (saying someone you only say when you are underage) I wouldn’t buy beer here anyway.  It’s too expensive.

Sarah: Well, something to keep in mind for when you are 21 and have a job.

19-excuse-me-20-year-old’s friend: Shit, you just got schooled.


Sarah’s friend: (kindly, but not helpfully) It’s okay that they lost.  It was a close game!

Sarah: They lost by four runs.

Friend: Yeah, but McCutchen was on 2nd, so.

(McCutchen is the only player she knows.)

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