I don’t know if this commercial is shown outside of the market of the New York Yankees, but then againisn’t the whole country the market of the NYY? America’s team lolololol. But regardless, I have been subjected to it nearly every single time Letterman says, “We’ll be right back with Emma Stone, ladies and gentlemen” or there’s a commercial break on my MLB.tv.
I wanted to write a blog post where I could share it with you all today and let you know how it is the saddest commercial ever and it is making me the most depressed theatre enthusiast since John Wilkes Booth.
I started off by wondering how the crap this guy ended up with an entire section of Yankees tickets and no one to give them to but strangers on the street. Every possible scenario leaves something unaccounted for. “We were gonna get married during the 7th inning stretch, but she ran off with the sushi counter guy at Whole Foods, so now what am I gonna do?” What about friends? “Well when my first wife left me for the British guy from the Disney Channel Original Movie ‘Mom’s Got a Date With a Vampire,’ she took all of our mutual friends.” Coworkers? “I quit my job in Kansas City to move out here to be with her.” Family? Oh my god… family? “Didn’t you hear about the tornado that just hit Kansas City?” I can’t even ahhhhh this is just so sad.
However, I logic-ed it out and realized that, statistic speaking, this guy probably has parents, co-workers, maybe even some casual acquaintances with whom he gathers now and then so they can out-drink him. No – what makes this man’s story (let’s call him Jared – I think he looks like a Jared) – what makes Jared’s story so infinitely tragic is that all these people he does know, know him well enough to know they don’t want to hang out with him for the duration of a Yankees baseball game + that awkward subway ride home even if the ticket were free.
This is Jared’s essential, gut-wrenching tragedy. The only way he can make friends is to buy friends; and even his unlimited cash flow (cause seriously buying out that section had to be at least 10,000 smackers) can’t keep the people in his life forever. Meanwhile poor people – actual poor people! – are making and sustaining meaningful relationships all around him, yet he remains… alone.
Sure, the applause feels good, while it lasts. But time will only tell how long Jared’s new “friends” will stick around. Until then, Jared will undoubtedly rack up many a bar tab, paying for drinks for the section cause he shouted “this one’s on me!” just to hear those cheers. But when the game ends… when they shut off the stadium lights… he’ll have to traverse back to Astoria alone, and damn that transfer is a bitch late at night, especially when the only things sharing your subway car are a homeless man, some cat urine, and the crushing knowledge that the human condition never really changes… that hope is only an illusion.
So use MasterCard lol.